From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 20 Jan 2002 07:59:44 -0000
Subject: POSSESSED by FatCat
Source: direct

Reply To: FatCat926@msn.com


Title:         POSSESSED

Author:        FatCat (feedback gratefully received at 
               FatCat926@msn.com)

Rating:        PG13 - Strong Language

Category:      V MSR

Spoilers:      Everything through Season 8

Archive:       Love to share, just let me know where

Summary:       Mulder contemplates relationships at Christmas

Disclaimer:    Not mine, unfortunately.  Look to Carter, Fox, etc.

Author Notes:  Finished December 26, 2001 9:32 p.m. PST. 


I have felt that all my life people have thrown me away, like I 
was some sort of old possession that was no longer needed.

My mother and father may have loved me until Sam was abducted, 
then they changed.  My father used me to try to find Sam and 
when I couldn't give him any information, used me as a whipping 
boy for his frustrations.  When he and Mom separated, he threw 
me out with all the other memories of family.  He slid into a 
bottle and became a functional drunk - made it to work okay, but 
unable to sustain any kind of personal relationship with anyone.  
Especially his son.  I didn't care at the time.  I was just glad 
the beatings stopped.

My mother didn't throw me away, exactly.  With the aid of her 
new best friend, Valium, she was able to live in a pain-free 
fantasy world and withdrew from me mentally.  She found it so 
much easier to lend me to other relatives to help out during the 
summer and holidays.  At least I got to be around people that 
actually spoke to me.  'Fox, get your ass up and take out the 
garbage.' or 'Fox, put down that book and mow the lawn.' was a 
lot better than the silence that entombed our home.

I took matters into my own hands and bailed on both of them when 
I applied for the scholarship to Oxford.  I thought I would be 
able to start my life fresh.  Little did I know that women like 
Phoebe were out there.  After she was done mind fucking me and no 
longer desired my body, she made me feel as wanted as a used 
condom.  I threw myself into my classes and shied away from 
women for the rest of my stay in England.

Then, wonder upon wonders, the FBI wanted me.  I was ripe for 
the picking.  Fresh from Oxford with my PhD. in Psychology and 
my needy psyche, a few words of praise from Bill Patterson 
sucked me into Profiling.  I was a natural - so he said.  I became 
his Golden Boy for a few years, as I slid into and out of the 
minds of the sickest killers the FBI encountered.  It was almost 
spooky - hence the nickname.  But the shine began to diminish when 
I started to lose my ability to detach and move on.  The only 
thing that saved me was a chance encounter with a Rabbi during 
one of my unreported stays in the psych ward.  

He was there to visit my roommate, and we began talking.  He was 
as close to a grandfather figure as I ever had in my life.  He 
gave me a book titled "When Bad Things Happen to Good People".  
He quizzed me about it when he came back a few days later.  I 
couldn't understand why he wanted me to read this particular 
book and when I asked him about it he just looked at me for a 
while before speaking.

"Fox, if you agree that there is such a thing as happenstance in
this world, why do you blame yourself for so many phenomenons 
you had no control over?  Your guilt over the deaths of the 
victims of the serial killers out there is counter-productive.
You are not so important in the scheme of things that if you
don't solve the crime, the world will end.  You should first 
look inward and try to identify your place in God's plan and
then take a fresh look at where your abilities are being used."

He left right after this statement.  I assumed the quick exit 
was because he didn't want to hear my protestations about not 
believing in God, but now that I think back it could have been 
because of the psychotic episode my roommate had right after the 
Rabbi's statement.  I never saw him again.

He did make me think, and that led to my discovery of the X 
Files.  Bill Patterson never forgave me for bailing on him.  I 
wonder what would have happened if I had given Bill the Rabbi's 
name.  Would he have talked him into recanting his words to me 
to try to keep me as a Profiler?  I had reached such a level of 
burnout that I don't think anyone could have convinced me to 
stay with BS - not even Scully.  But I hadn't met Scully back 
then.

Unfortunately, I met Diana, and another throwaway relationship.  
This time the pain was easier to bury.  My curiosity and drive 
to use the X Files to solve Samantha's disappearance soothed the 
pain of the desertion and my life limped on.

Maybe I was getting used to it, maybe I wasn't.  In any case, I 
was no longer the Golden Boy of the FBI, but had been relegated 
to the basement and my Spooky nickname took on new meaning to 
the snickering agents housed above me.  I was alone.

All that changed when they tried to close me down by assigning 
Dr. Dana Scully as my partner.  I knew what they had in mind 
when they assigned her to me.  She was young, pretty, and raised 
as a Navy brat.  Just what the higher ups wanted.  They thought 
that she would move in, classify me as a nutcase wasting 
taxpayer dollars, and give them reports that could shut me down.  
They would then send her on her merry way, climbing the FBI 
hierarchy.

That's what they thought would happen.  It still amazes me 
to think about how wrong they were about Scully.  They 
must not have looked into her credentials or background very 
deeply or they would have realized their mistake and I may have 
never met her.  Maybe the Rabbi was right - there is a God.

My new partner was a by-the-book scientist and I began to 
alternately try to drive her away with my bizarre theories and 
prove them right just to show her up.  Somewhere along the way, 
we became working partners, then friends, and then best friends.  

Then the worst happened.  I realized I had fallen in love with 
my partner.  I spent years denying it to myself, afraid of 
another relationship failure.  We survived abductions (hers and 
mine), deadly illnesses (hers and mine), deaths of family 
members (again hers and mine) and my faked, and temporarily, 
actual deaths.  We not only survived it all, but came back 
stronger and closer after each crisis.  We even survived Diana's 
return and betrayal.

Through all this, the best thing possible happened.  Scully
ask me to father her child.  Even though the procedure failed,
we didn't.  Scully and I actually were able to admit our love 
and take our relationship to the next level.  I told Scully I
loved her after the Queen Anne incident - she believed I was 
on drugs.  I actually gave her a kiss on New Year's Eve, 
but still was too chicken shit to follow through.

Leave it to Scully to scrape up enough courage to confront the
truth.  She had a weekend of enlightenment while I was out of 
the country chasing crop circles.  When I came back we were 
finally able to connect and spent hours talking before she zoned
and I left her sleeping on my couch.  

I woke to the sight of a naked Dana Scully crawling into bed 
with me - thanks to my eidetic memory, I'll never forget it.  She 
was sexier and more beautiful than my wildest fantasies of her.  
We didn't say a word that night; we let our bodies do the 
talking.

When I woke up, she was gone.  I was terrified that one of two 
things had happened.  The first scenario was that it was all a 
dream and hadn't really happened.  The second, was that it 
really had happened, but Scully had woke up this morning and 
decided it was a big mistake.  I was so scared I wanted to puke. 
I couldn't shake the feeling of dread that threatened to 
overwhelm me all the way to the office that morning.  The soft 
smile she gave me as I entered our office went a long to let me
know it was real and she didn't consider it a mistake, but it 
didn't answer all my questions.

The entire day was torture.  Her normal attitude and industry 
made me sure she had changed her mind by the end of the day.  
When 6:00 rolled around, I was a basket case.

Her invitation to dinner at her place was made as casually as 
any other day, but the lingering look of warmth in her eyes
finally let me believe everything was going to be all right.  
Suddenly I was starving and couldn't wait to get to her house.
I rushed home and took a shower and changed.  There was a sour
smell of fear lingering on my clothes and body and I didn't 
want her to know how fearful I had been.

We didn't have sex again that night, but we did talk and managed 
to do some pretty hot kissing.  We defined our expectations for 
our relationship and laid the ground rules that we both considered 
necessary to help support our respective needs.  Sounds fucking 
boring, but you've got to realize it took us over seven years just
to get to this point.  We felt like we had got out of the car and 
stepped into a rocket ship!

Things went as well as expected for a few months, then Scully 
got sick and I got abducted and then dead.  Nothing has ever 
been easy for us.  Somehow, I won't give you the details, you 
can read the file, Skinner and Doggett realized I wasn't really 
dead and Scully brought me back to life.

Damn!  Even now, when I say it I get goose bumps.  I was gone 
for three months.  I returned dead and was dead and buried for 
three fucking months.  By the time I was resurrected, Scully was 
almost ready to have our baby.

Once again, I felt like I had been discarded.  Scully had not 
only continued with the X Files while I was gone, but she had a 
new partner and was pregnant.  Sorry, Mulder, life goes on.  
Even the FBI didn't want me anymore.  Where was my place in the 
scheme of things now?

I wish I could tell you that I was a prince and thought only of 
others, but I can't.  Plain and simple, I was a shit to Scully, 
and everyone else I came in contact with - especially Doggett.  
Only the near loss of Scully knocked some sense into my thick 
head.

The emergency hospital stay and the strange events around the 
birth of our son made me realize what was important in life.  
Scully and William.  My family.  I didn't care any longer 
whether William was my biological son or not.  He was Scully's 
child.  Scully was the woman I love and therefore, any child she 
had - no matter the name of the sperm donor - was my son.  Nothing 
else in this world made sense to me.  They were mine and I was 
theirs.

When I got all this through my thick head, I realized that only 
my selfish behavior had kept us apart.  Scully knew I was Will's 
father, biologically and emotionally.  She was waiting for me, 
and I have never been happier in my life.  I finally feel loved  
and am able to love others openly and freely.  I finally feel 
wanted and needed.

Oh, don't get me wrong.  I still wake up from nightmares about 
all the hell I have seen in my life.  I had a lot of physical 
scars when I first came back, but they've faded now.  It will 
probably take a lot longer for my mental scars to heal, but I 
have every hope that they will fade at least as much as all the 
others I've picked up along the way.

I've not turned into a Little Mary Sunshine, but I do try to 
look for a piece of happiness every day.  Usually it's a smile 
from Scully or a special moment with Will that cements the 
feeling of belonging in my heart.  Something just happened  
that made me realize I am surrounded by love and acceptance.
Scully is mine and I am hers.  

We are at the annual Scully Christmas Extravaganza - every Scully 
relative alive on the Eastern seaboard is in attendance.  I am 
still a little uncomfortable in crowds of Scullys - Bill makes 
sure that I never forget that I'm not really one of the family.  
I scooped Will up and held him as a shield and a Scully passport
throughout the evening.  The only time I allowed him from my arms
was for Maggie's baby fix and Will's mommy feast.

I had just come back downstairs after changing one of Will's 
better efforts.  I wasn't exactly hiding, just taking a quiet 
moment with my son in the hallway.  I heard a number of women 
talking in the kitchen and was heading, slowly, in that 
direction.  I heard my name and stopped to listen to what was 
said.  Someone, I thought it was Aunt Olive or maybe Aunt Mary 
Patricia, was commenting on how possessive and helpful I was 
with Will.  If I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget their 
words.

"That man of Dana's certainly knows how to behave in a crowd of 
his girlfriend's relatives."  

"Oh no, Olive.  Fox's behavior is not just a good show in front 
of relatives.  Our Fox truly loves his son and in fact is a full 
partner to Dana in all ways."

"Really, Margaret?  I guess Dana may have been slow in settling 
down, but she surely picked a keeper when she did.  She's a 
lucky girl.  Now if he would just propose. . ."

"Aunt Olive!  Mulder doesn't need to propose to me."  Dana must 
have come in from the dining room and caught them gossiping.

"Well, Dana, a good looking man like that needs to be tied down 
legally or they tend to wander, if you know what I mean."

"Olive!" came Maggie's shocked voice.

"Aunt Olive, my Mulder has committed his heart and his life to 
me and Will.  No vow in church or legal piece of paper could 
convince me of his steadfastness more than his spoken word.  I 
don't know a lot about other men, but I know Mulder.  I know 
that I am his and he is mine as long as we both live.  Even 
death couldn't kill the love we feel for each other.  I'm not 
going to say this again.  If we choose to marry, we will.  If we 
choose not to legally bind our relationship, I am secure enough 
to swear on my father's good name that I know we will be 
together for eternity."  Dana's voice became more and more 
emotional as she spoke.  

I could tell how close she was to either swearing or starting to 
cry.  I handed Will the surprise I had hidden on the chain 
around my neck and stepped into the kitchen, looking towards 
Scully.  It always gave me a jolt of electricity through my 
entire body when I saw how just my presence in the same room 
settled and calmed her.

"Scully, could you join Will and me in the hall for a moment, 
I've got something I need to ask you."

As she walked toward me, I realized that she possesses me - mind 
and heart, body and soul.  In fact, the only part of me she 
doesn't possess is my name, and I wanted to change that right now.

END