From: X-Phan Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 10:41:28 -0700 (PDT) Subject: New story: A Letter to Bill by X-Phan Source: direct TITLE: "A LETTER TO BILL" BY: X-Phan E-MAIL ADDRESS: xphan1013@yahoo.com RATING: R for language and mild descriptions of naughty stuff CLASSIFICATION: H, just Humor TIMEFRAME/SPOILER WARNING: Alternate Universe, the last 2 seasons never happened. It just kinda jumps in but you'll figure it out. No spoilers. KEYWORDS: implied MSR SUMMARY: A brief exploration of what it might take to make Bill's head explode. ARCHIVE INFO: Please do. Can be archived anywhere as long as my name, address and disclaimer stay intact. FEEDBACK: Please email me with any comments, reviews, constructive criticism, etc... DEDICATION: To Bill Scully Jr. fans, thanks for the use of your target and apologies for any permanent damage suffered DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be gained. ___________________________________________________________ The X-Files: "A Letter to Bill" by X-Phan Bill Scully Jr. picked up the mail and walked into his house, slowly flipping through it for anything other than bills. One envelope had his name and address on it, but no return address or indication as to whom it was from. Curious, he sat down at the kitchen table to open the letter. Inside it read: Dear Billy Boy, So how's it hangin' bro. I just had to write this before Scully and I leave so you would hear as soon as possible, although I would just love to be there in person to see you spontaneously combust when you finish reading this letter. This week has been the happiest of my life, because after a long month of begging and pleading I have convinced your sister to marry me. Woohoo, congratulations to me. It gets better, by the time you read this we'll be almost to Las Vegas to get hitched by an Elvis impersonator and there's nothing in the world you can do about it. Don't even bother trying to call her, we left our cell phones at home, wouldn't want anything to interrupt the all the wild sweaty sex we're gonna be having. We're probably doing it right now. Man she's gonna be the death of me, everything they say about redheads is true. All I hear nowadays is "Four times just isn't enough Mulder" and "I want it in the ass again Mulder". A guy has to sleep some time though; twice I had to lock myself in the bathroom just to get a nap before she attacked me again. But anyhow it's gonna be great, once she says "I do" she will be stuck with me forever and I guess so will you, Brother-in-law. Brother- in-law, doesn't that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Now, "Special Agent Dana Katherine Mulder," isn't that the greatest thing you ever heard. I can't wipe the smile off my face and Scully is always grinning like an idiot now, what with the brain-liquefying sex she's been getting. I always thought she would be a screamer but, wow, all the neighbors do anymore is complain that their kids are learning new words. I'm gonna have to sound proof the walls or she'll be getting evicted. Remember when I said it gets better, well here's the best part, are you ready? I KNOCKED HER UP. WOOHOO. In a few short months there will be a little tiny version of me running around or mayby two, it could be twins. Our genes will forever be combined and passed on for future generations of Mulders. Scully promised if it was a boy I could pick the name. I was thinking Mork or Alf or maybe even something strange. Oh and by the way, don't tell your mother about the baby, Scully wants to surprise her when we get back. I'm so glad Maggie cares about me and treats me like a son; it'll be great when it's official. I can't wait to give her a whole pile of grandchildren to spoil. Speaking of which, Scully wants me to practice doing that right now so I have to go. Have a great day! Yours Truly, Your brand new Bro-in-Law Fox Mulder P.S. Would you ask your wife Tara if she would be interested in a threesome with Dana and I, Scully's looking to broaden her horizons and it's my husbandly duty to fully support all her interests. P.P.S. I have written this letter with disappearing ink so about 5 minutes after it hits the air there will be no evidence I ever wrote you anything. Don't feel bad; no one would have believed you anyway. Tara returned home from shopping and found Bill face down on the kitchen table, unconscious, clutching a blank piece of paper and with blood dripping out of his ears. The End ___________________________________________________________ This just came to me and I had to get it down. Feedback appreciated.